So today I was grateful for a late start day at school - one that happened to be a "professional prep" day. Which means that a few years ago a few of our union representatives negotiated that one of the late-start meeting days should be devoted to teachers being about to do work in their classrooms rather than sit through 2 hour meetings every week about this that and the other. I'm not a huge union zealot, but according to the bumper stickers, they ARE the folks who brought us weekends. And for that, I am glad. And now I'm also glad that they have given us professional prep days. Because today, I really needed it.
So I sat in my classroom with the job of sorting through my thoughts and filtering out what I am feeling from what I want, from what I need, and from all that mess a plan began to develop. The way I used to do this (pre-marriage, pre-baby) was to sit in bed in the morning with a big steaming cup of coffee and write. I would write about whatever I was thinking, feeling, sorting through. I have boxes of old journals in our garage I am absolutely unwilling to part with. How will the people of the 22nd century know how we lived, if not from my old journals? Sadly, most of my journals have to do with noodling out troubles with men instead of interesting current events and trends. But hey. Whatever. I'm not the one that has to read through them.
So I sat at my desk and just started writing. What is the problem? A few pages on that. What do I need to do? Another few pages. If I decide that X is what I want to do, what do I need to do to get there? And this was the big one: If I know what I need to do, then what is holding me back? And I discovered it was three things:
Lack of information.
Lack of a plan.
Once I identified the three things holding me back, it was easy to deal with them. Fear I can live with. I'm actually NOT afraid to take steps I might need to take. The fear comes from not having enough information to make an informed decision. I then picked up a phone and made an appointment to get the information I needed that I did not have. After that, it was easy to make a plan. After I have my informational meeting to answer some questions about my options, I can revise my plan. But I also figured out steps I could take today that would get my plan started.
One of my big ah-has was that I have not been present in many of our latest decisions. Why this is so is rather complicated. But it boils down to thinking that I trust my partner, he is a smart person, he has our best interests at heart.....and I really wanted him to know what he was doing. Again, I really WANTED him to know what he was doing. The result - I ignored some of my gut feelings about decisions and let him lead. Not that anything was a huge mistake, but I do fault myself for rolling over so often in the past four years and not pushing back more. So here we are. Without going into details I can tell you that I am taking steps to fix our current financial position while at the same time taking steps to protect and educate myself. And all I have to say is "HELLO SELF! Feels so good to see you again!!!" It's been a while. I have a plan A and a plan B. And I am feeling back in control. Sort of. The money stuff is still there, but the good news is we have an influx of money coming in from 4 commission checks in a few weeks, so many of our immediate cash problems can be solved.
So we'll see how this plays out over the next year or so. We found a rental yesterday we liked a lot. We are meeting with renters on Friday night who want our house, and we really like THEM a lot. So hopefully everything will fall into place and get us out from under this beast in the next few weeks. We'd like to scramble and be moving by November 16th. It could happen.......