I’m trying hard not to think too much about the fact that last night was possibly MB’s last night alone with his parents as an only child. We are scheduled to go into the hospital tomorrow morning at 5:30 AM for a Baby Turning Event, which we’re hoping will turn into an induction. Because I have so much fluid, this little peanut has been doing pretty regular back flips and it seems to be difficult to keep him out of a breech position. So unless my doctor is a complete masochist intent on causing me much physical and emotional trauma, we will flip this kid around and then plug me into the pitocin.
But I have to say, despite my deep desire to get this baby out of my body, my heart is breaking just a little bit for my first baby, the one who will from now on be The Big Brother, with the responsibilities and inconveniences that go along with it – despite my having read Siblings Without Rivalry.
So it is not lost on me that last night was the last night that I put my first baby down to bed without the distraction of a crying infant, the last night that we read stories uninterrupted, the last morning we spent in bed snuggling watching television without me needing to tend to another human being except for him. He went off to school today with MM as usual, knowing that Grandma and Grandpa would be picking him up after school and excited that he will be spending the night over there tonight. He has some concept that his brother might be born tomorrow, that we will have to wait and see…..but he just has no concept of what that will mean for his life and his family. The good news is that while our dynamic will most surely change, my ability to parent will return. With these last weeks of pregnancy, I have not been able to do simple things like pick him up from school, lie in bed with him to read stories without significant pain, go up and down the stairs quickly when he needs something, and get down on the floor to play with him. So I am excited to be able to do some of the physical aspects of parenting for him that have been absent for so long. But. But. It will most definitely all be different.
This morning he said, “I wish your room was closer to mine so that when I call for you, you can hear me.” The other night he said to me, “I just get lonely for you when I am not being close to you.” We talk a lot about no matter how old he is or how big he gets, he will always be my baby. Even when he is 56 years old.
I am hopeful we get another one as wonderful as MB. As thoughtful, as funny, as cooperative, as curious, as caring. I am hopeful we are able to co-parent two children successfully without some of the marital difficulties we had at the beginning of MB’s life. And good grief, I’m excited to get my body back. Keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow is The Day. Because I will weep with disappointment and resentment and overall grief if they tell me I’m not dilated enough and have to wait “just a little bit longer”. And then I might hit someone.