Crowded Tub

Loving the Second Child

Whenever one of my friends has a second child, I always ask some version of the same question – Do you love your second child as much as the first?  Of course, I know the answer they will give –parents love the second one as much as the first.  I, myself, am a second child and am greatly loved.  Perhaps even favored.  I digress.

What I really search for is that question that all parents have, I think, when deciding to have another baby.  Because our first children are SO loved, SO treasured, SO cute and funny and charming and precocious…how can a second child POSSIBLY measure up?  I also ask about The Connection.  Did you feel it right away or did it take just a little bit longer because you were so infatuated with your first?  Because why would you automatically love this child you just met?  It takes time.  Looking back, you know the more you got to know your first child, the more in love you fell.  So by contrast, it would stand to reason that you would notice this lack of connection because you already have this amazing connection with your first.  I got different answers from different friends.  All of them confirming what I knew in my head but not yet my heart…of course you love your second as much.  It’s different, and yet the same.  Which, when you are searching for answers, is an incredibly annoying response.

So.  After spending 4 nights in the hospital, I have this to report as a new mom to a second son.  You DO in fact love the second as much as the first.  You DO think they are the most beautiful baby you have ever seen, even though your first child was also the most beautiful baby you had ever seen.  The good news is that your second child can be the most beautiful baby because your first is now the most beautiful preschooler (or toddler, or – God help you – high schooler) you’ve ever encountered.  Baby Bean (BB) is just perfect.  His cry is not abrasive.  He eats like a champion athlete at training table the night before a big game.  He likes his sleep (so far).  He is just sweet in every possible way that a baby could be sweet.  And I’m discovering that my question wasn’t so much could you love your second child as much, but would you love your first any less.  And I don’t.  Though I freely admit I enjoyed my time in the hospital with BB alone, I enjoyed saying goodnight to MB and having the quiet night hours with just me and my new baby to snuggle with in the bed and get to know each other.  I will also admit that I would feel anxiety when MB was on his way over to visit, and overwhelmed at his…everywhereness…..while in the hospital.  I swear, he’s like a Tasmanian devil. And he’s huge and loud and so germy. How have I not noticed this before?

I think I’m lucky that I have two such different aged children living in my house.  So when I get fed up with one age, I can hand him over to his dad or grandparents, and enjoy the other one.  They are so vastly different, it feels like patting my head, rubbing my stomach and standing on one leg just keeping everything straight.  I have none of that New Baby Anxiety – is he eating enough?  Should he be sleeping now?  Should he be awake now?   I do have some anxiety over MB, which shouldn't be surprising since I've been having anxiety over him since day one. He is, after all, my first...and this is another "first" for him. My goals for the next few weeks are to get to know this little guy, while at the same time trying to shower love and affection and alone time on my precious first born.  Who will always be my baby too.  Even when he’s 45.

Growing Pains

I’m trying hard not to think too much about the fact that last night was possibly MB’s last night alone with his parents as an only child.  We are scheduled to go into the hospital tomorrow morning at 5:30 AM for a Baby Turning Event, which we’re hoping will turn into an induction.  Because I have so much fluid, this little peanut has been doing pretty regular back flips and it seems to be difficult to keep him out of a breech position.  So unless my doctor is a complete masochist intent on causing me much physical and emotional trauma, we will flip this kid around and then plug me into the pitocin.

But I have to say, despite my deep desire to get this baby out of my body, my heart is breaking just a little bit for my first baby, the one who will from now on be The Big Brother, with the responsibilities and inconveniences that go along with it – despite my having read Siblings Without Rivalry.
So it is not lost on me that last night was the last night that I put my first baby down to bed without the distraction of a crying infant, the last night that we read stories uninterrupted, the last morning we spent in bed snuggling watching television without me needing to tend to another human being except for him.  He went off to school today with MM as usual, knowing that Grandma and Grandpa would be picking him up after school and excited that he will be spending the night over there tonight.  He has some concept that his brother might be born tomorrow, that we will have to wait and see…..but he just has no concept of what that will mean for his life and his family.  The good news is that while our dynamic will most surely change, my ability to parent will return.  With these last weeks of pregnancy, I have not been able to do simple things like pick him up from school, lie in bed with him to read stories without significant pain, go up and down the stairs quickly when he needs something, and get down on the floor to play with him.  So I am excited to be able to do some of the physical aspects of parenting for him that have been absent for so long.  But.  But.  It will most definitely all be different.

This morning he said, “I wish your room was closer to mine so that when I call for you, you can hear me.”  The other night he said to me, “I just get lonely for you when I am not being close to you.”  We talk a lot about no matter how old he is or how big he gets, he will always be my baby.  Even when he is 56 years old.

I am hopeful we get another one as wonderful as MB.  As thoughtful, as funny, as cooperative, as curious, as caring.  I am hopeful we are able to co-parent two children successfully without some of the marital difficulties we had at the beginning of MB’s life.  And good grief, I’m excited to get my body back.  Keep your fingers crossed that tomorrow is The Day.  Because I will weep with disappointment and resentment and overall grief if they tell me I’m not dilated enough and have to wait “just a little bit longer”.  And then I might hit someone.