Dear T,
I want to apologize to you for being absent in your life lately. I know you probably think that because I am married with two kids, I have abandoned you as so many women abandon their single, childless friends in favor of married, child-full people…but I assure you, that is not the case. The truth is that I cannot talk to you because there is so much I want to say to you but cannot say because I don’t know how to begin. Or where to begin. Or simply, that my ego will not allow me to say out loud yet. So here we are. I will write you a letter and post it, knowing that you won’t read it, but also knowing that someday we will have this conversation and you will understand.
Know that I have not abandoned you in favor of a warm, cozy married life. It is, in fact, the opposite. I do not know what it’s like to look forward to seeing a husband at the end of the day, because I do not look forward to seeing mine. Coming home and being at home with him is stressful, tedious, and at times hurtful and humiliating. When you talk about wanting to find a husband, how could you know that I’m screaming in my head “Don’t do it!!”? Looking back at the last 7 years, I realize I have never enjoyed being married - not a single moment of it. How can I admit something like that? If I am honest with myself and with you, I knew before we got married that he was not the right person for me. I have no idea how I allowed it to happen. I think I just decided that it wasn't that bad, that I was just having cold feet, that I figured I was mourning the loss of my independent self. In reality I was mourning the loss of finding someone who was truly right for me. I gave up on the concept of best friend and partner for life, and down this path I trudged. I hear being married to the right person is wonderful and satisfying in a way I can’t even imagine. And since I can’t imagine it, it is very difficult for me to talk with you because hiding the fact that my marriage is unhappy is like trying to hide the color of my skin. So I avoid you, I don’t call you, and we go months without talking. For that I am sorry.
Know that I am working hard to get my life back. I am taking steps to set things up so that I can walk away and maintain a healthy relationship with the father of my children, who are amazing and the reasons why I don't regret my decisions, despite knowing they were the wrong decisions. But until I do that, I have to stay silent. Only the internet, my parents, and my very best friend know what direction my life will be taking this year. Be assured that I am safe, but unhappy. I know I could not hide that fact from you, so instead I hide myself.
I recently spent the weekend alone with the kids while he went out of town. It was wonderful, peaceful, and I knew for certain that stepping out of my current life to re-gain my former self is of the utmost importance to me. Someone I deeply respect and admire once said, “You know you are in a healthy relationship when all your other relationships bloom and grow.” Over the last 7 years, I have watched my relationships with other people wither and die. I am on my way back, my friend. Please wait for me. I’ll be there soon, and while I won't be the same person, I think I'll be a better one.
Much love,
J----
