Monkeyboy does not like food. Let me re-phrase. He likes some foods. Just not the kind that fill you up and allow your tummy to feel full for any length of time. And to give him credit, his menu is expanding. We added pizza a few months ago, and while one would think that with the addition of pizza all our food problems would be over, one would be incredibly wrong. If there is a meal to be had, Monkeyboy will politely decline. He will say "No dinner, please." Very polite, very rational. Except that the next minute he's kicking, screaming and hollering about the fact that.....well I don't really know what he's screaming about. Other than the fact that his body is telling him he's hungry but he doesn't know what that means and the whole thing is just really irritating, making him want to jump out of his skin. Talk about living on the edge. You and I know it to be "low blood sugar". Monkeyboy just knows it to be awful. And he also thinks food is evil.
So I try to be low-key about things. I tell him I'm making edamame beans for me. NOT him. Just me. And really, he couldn't have any even if he wanted some. This worked about two times. After that he'd just say "Okay Mommy" and be on his way.
I'd put his favorite episode of Z**boomof** on, let him get really engrossed in it first, then sneak a plate of food in front of him. This works great for other kids, who will mindlessly shovel food into their mouths....but Monkeyboy will have a bite, then declare himself "all done" and the dinner will end up in the trash.
Eating at the dinner table as a family is an unmitigated disaster. Not only is he philosophically opposed to food entering his body, but is also vehemently opposed to any entering into my body.
Last night I tried something new. I added a "decoy food" to his plate (this is loosely based on my method of "decoy groceries" when really all I need to purchase is a box of super-sized tampons but don't want the clerk to know that yes....I am having a heavy flow period RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. So I buy other things that I don't really need just to throw them off my trail and make it look like my tampons were an afterthought, as if I were buying them for later on down the road and not in a My-God-If-I-Don't-Get-One-In-Soon-There-Will-Be-A-River-Of-Blood panic). What I really wanted him to eat were either edamame beans or pizza. I prepared both. Then I added a decoy food that there is no way in hell he would touch to his plate. My thinking is that he would be so overwhelmed with repulsion for this decoy food that the pizza and edamame would look fantastically good and he would eat them just to spite me. Just to show me that I could put new food on his plate but he would not, under any circumstances, eat the new food. The decoy food was Korean marinated beef. Unbelievably good, but new. I was thinking not a chance in hell will he touch this stuff. Hee hee! Haw haw! We'll see who is smarter THIS time!
Except he did. He ate the meat. And he liked it. And then he climbed up on my lap and decided he wanted to eat my pasta, which was covered in a sundried tomato pesto sauce. Which he also loved. The pizza and edamame beans? Into the trash.
MY GOD, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY SON???!!!???
I know I am not smarter, but I probably should have bought a lottery ticket yesterday because the stars will never align in that magical way again.
